Gratefulness

It seems that the gratefulness movement has been growing in leaps and bounds.  Almost a decade ago, it was a lesson in the runaway hit The Secret and then more and more self help Gurus began writing about it.

Gratefulness was a call to everyone to stop looking across the fence, to eschew ‘the grass is always greener on the other side’ mindset for one that is grounded in reality and in the present moment. Gratefulness forces your attention on what you have rather than what you don’t have.

The simplest things to be grateful for are things that you can see and experience- your friends, family, your ability to drive, your home, your children. Some self help gurus even ask you to be grateful for the ability to pay your bills- it means that you have the money and the abundance to pay for it!  A friend of mine keeps it down to the basics.  At 70, he is grateful for his health, that most of his body parts are in good working order and that he still has the ability to charm a girl or two!

I use to do this simple exercise whenever I felt down, I would drive out in my car look at the sky and the trees and no matter what colour it was, I’d be grateful for it. Blue means loads of Vitamin D for us and the trees. Grey means rain for the trees and precious water for us. And hazy? Well when it is hazy I am grateful that it is not permanent and that the blues and the greys would soon return. Is that a tad too naive you say, well, the things about gratefulness is that is it all about perspective. And gratefulness teaches you to cherish what you have rather than lament what you don’t. Consider children in China who have never seen stars nor a cloud before and suddenly, you see the beauty of what you have.

There are many in my chat groups who during these recent months have been uneasy about where this country has been going and are now looking at new pastures. That is totally understandable and when you are concerned about the future of your children, you as a parent have every right to make sure that you protect them.  But hindsight is always 20/20. Some have even begun to romanticize, on meeting their multi millionaire cousins from China, how great their life would have been if their grandparents had stayed put in China.  And then I tell them about the Cultural Revolution and how some of my relatives survived on boiled grass. And how some of my friends are deeply lonely having emigrated. One of my friends just returned from Manila having seen the slums there and says KL and Malaysia is such a better place to be in. Perspective.

Gratefulness keeps one grounded, but it does not mean you have to take everything lying down. It is not the same as aspiring to be a film star, being grateful for film star looks and talent, but never having the courage to go for an audition. If your life situation could be better, be grateful for what you have now, write down the things that would make it better and then strive or work towards it.

Gratefulness is not about ignoring your feelings of sadness or grief or anger. It’s about acknowledging what you have and using it to change or shape a new reality through grounded actions such as learning something new, asking for a raise, changing jobs, getting fit, getting help or therapy, seeking forgiveness, and letting go  .

The great philosopher Lao Tzu says

“If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present.”

Gratefulness is one of the tools to bring you peace so that you can move towards the future, one step at a time.

Staring at the Beast

By ~ Lina Esa Öberg

I have been pondering about anger a lot lately, especially after being interviewed by Dina Zaman.  Now more than ever anger in the general population seems to be reaching it’s peak. Everyone I talk to is angry at something. Merdeka is just around the corner. Many Malaysians are beginning to question where the country is heading, and what we have become. Unfortunately it is not a pretty sight.

I have talked about anger before, and right now the anger that people feel is not on a personal level. Rather there is a collective anger.

Perhaps what is most interesting is that when anger is at this level people are unable to see the current situation in the country for what it is.

Transpose that to what is happening to our beloved country and society. Just like the mythical Chimera, I propose that all of us are actually looking at a three-headed beast.

Let’s start with the first head and begin with a story from nature. Consider a lone baby crocodile that just came out from the nest, scrawny and hungry. It wandered through the grass learning very fast that it may just be the next meal for hungry storks, large fishes, and even other crocodiles. But then, it also learns to use the environment to thrive. In fact the environment is conducive for it to grow into a monstrous beast. It can sneak up on it’s prey without detection. It can strike with such a powerful blow that no creature can withstand its attack. Can you blame the crocodile for being what it is? Can you blame the environment for being so nurturing to it? Can you blame the prey for being so weak? Or would you just say, such is nature?

The science of psychology have found that some human beings have that tendency to be predators, not very much different from that of a crocodile. Perhaps, it is rather unfair that no one can see or even recognise these predators, except from character and behaviours, which are well defined and are quite predictable. Read the book “Snakes in Suits” by Paul Babiak and Robert Hare for examples and descriptions of this phenomena.

Perhaps due to the lack of knowledge, we are now in an environment that encourages predatory behaviours. Which brings us to see the second head of the beast. It is the public itself. People can generally be divided into two distinct groups; 1. The Authoritarian Followers and 2. The Non-authoritarian Followers, as described by Bob Altemeyer in his book “The Authoritarians”. Authoritarian leaders strive to have more of the first group. Such leaders may or may not be working in the best interest of the people.

The 2nd part of the group are more questioning and thinking. They tend to not follow an authority figure blindly, so when information is presented to them that is not quite right, they reject it.

Looking at the Malaysian public right now, it feels like it is very much in a conundrum. And as Newton’s third law puts it: “for every action there is an equal and opposite re-action”. The more that the second group want changes, the more the first group resist. In fact, the more the second group pushes to be more progressive in human rights, equality, and to be more liberal, the more the first group regress into extremism and narrow mindedness. This may manifest itself by way of using religion, race and status, for example.

This leads us to see the third head of the beast. This in actuality is the result of the above, which is not good, and may even be dangerous. People will start labelling each other. This process is called dehumanization, as described by Philip Zimbardo in his book “The Lucifer Effect”. At this stage people can get very sensitive. Any trigger may lead to chaos, and there are many examples of this from history. Like the Hutus and Tutsis genocide in Rwanda, the Zionists and the Palestinians, and most recently the Rohingyas genocide of Myanmar. In fact Malaysia has gone through this before with the May 13, 1969 incident. We need to look back and learn from history so that we do not repeat those mistakes.

Aren’t we already seeing the divisive movements already here in Malaysia?

So, can you now see the beast? It’s staring you right in the eyes…

The Biggest Secret about Moms

By Animah Kosai

They rock the workplace. If you let them.

Here’s 10 reasons why:

1. Mothers have an insane talent for multi-tasking. Pay the bills, do the house chores, send the kids to school, pick them up, ferry them to tae-kwando, dance class, piano class, supervise their homework and cook dinner at the same time. And they didn’t attend project management courses. It’s inherent.
2. Doing all this successfully means excellent time management skills. Being late or forgetting can mean a child in tears and who wants that?
3. Focus on safety. When it comes to driving, kids are buckled up and mothers have eyesight like a hawk when they watch their children in the playground.
4. Pain and exhaustion stays on the back burner. Until everything gets done. Absolute dedication to the job.
5. Paying attention at the task at hand. Because if you don’t, your kid will howl at you, much worse than any boss on earth.
6. Motivating kids to do their homework. This brings to play incredible leadership skills and getting your team to perform. Especially when its maths!
7. Setting key task areas for the day and month, and meeting them almost 100%. Some mothers are nazis when it comes to list making and ticking them off. The mothers are the ones who will make sure your corporate KPIs are met.
8. Knowing the essential items to procure and getting the best price for it by doing research. Mothers will have a list at the supermarket, have set their budget and will compare prices against weight and quality. Excellent procurement skills.
9. Fantastic negotiators. Do you know who are the best negotiators in the world? Kids. And who has to face these top class negotiators everyday? Their mothers. Mothers learn to see through manipulation, rebut clever arguments as to why a 10 year old NEEDS the latest iPhone and, well half the time, gets her way. Fathers on the other hand have a much lower success rate. Mothers have excellent negotiating skills. When you visualise the “other side” as a bunch of whinny spoilt kids, you are more likely to win your negotiation.
10. And the moms who do all this WHILE at work? They have great delegation skills. The ability to delegate the driving, the house chores and the homework requires good teamwork and interpersonal skills with the people who are doing all this for you. And guess what, while these mothers may run out as soon as office hours are over because they have to do the evening pick up or cook, you can be sure that they delivered 100% while at work. They know how important that pay cheque is to raise their children.

So the big question. Why are mothers the bottom of the pecking order when it comes to hiring?

The painting is The Cradle by Berthe Morisot (1872)

I want to teach you …

Angelia Ong

Dedicated to my sons.

I want to teach you that education is not just about being in a classroom and learning can be done in so many ways.

I want to teach you that there’s beauty and joy to be found in the things around us, even if you can’t find it the first time around.

I want to teach you that there’s more to our beautiful country ready to be explored.

I want to teach you that being compassionate, kind, respectful isn’t a weakness.
I want to teach you that being a real man means that you are a helpmate, not a lord and master.

I want to teach you that skin colour and religion do not make a person less worthy or better than others, only more interesting.

I want to teach you that no one can make you feel less than you are, unless you let them.

I want to teach you that balance in the way you live is a good level to reach.

I want to teach you that you can stand up for what you believe in, especially for those who have no voice, but pick your battles and always maintain your calm.

I want to teach you that our heritage may be from all over, celebrate it but who we are, is Malaysian and never let anyone tell you any different.

I want to teach you that it’s ok to be different, to dream, to believe, but never lose sight of your humanity.

I want to teach you to tidy your rooms without being told, but I’m not holding my breath on this one.

I want to teach you that love comes in all forms, and isn’t perfect, but can be a great source of comfort and inspiration.

I want to teach you to continue your love of life, the curiosity in how things work or to pursue learning, whatever the method.

I want the best for you, to give you a future, whatever you choose to do.

Always believe that no matter how old you are, you can make a difference and to change things for the better, no matter how small a step you take.

I want to teach you all these things and so much more so you can grow up to be good people and I will continue to feel the pride and joy I feel when I see you being you.

29 Sept 2011

Angelia Ong is passionate about raising her three sons and has taken her time out of her career as a writer and editor to homeschool them.

When I say Women are equal to Men….

By Shila Rossi

When I say women are equal to men.

It do not mean in their physical attributes.

In that we are different. Our physical are Made for different purposes. Yet some have done things that men can do physically and vice versa.

What I mean, is that we are equal in status as a human person.

That our human rights are not lesser than a man.

That our place in this world are equal in contributing to a whole.

That without this half , humanity would not be just as without the other half, humanity would not be.

We compliment men. Just as they compliment us.

We complete this world.

Shila Rossi is a qualified lawyer raising her two beautiful children in Australia.

Photo is of Gustav Klimt’s The Kiss

8 Tips for The Year of The Goat

I am a member of the CEO organisation called Vistage (formerly TEC) and every month, my group of 14 CEOs come together in a room to share issues that may be troubling them vis a vis their business or their personal life. At Vistage, there is no separation between business and personal, each impacts the other, and as such, both are given due attention when it comes to the health of the CEO and their business. These 14 are guided by a coach or a chair who help the group get to the heart of the issue and each CEO in turn, offers their sagely opinion to their fellow CEO presenting his/her issue.

Some of the best lessons in business have been from shared learnings and pointers from my Coach and my fellow CEOs. So for the start of the Year of the Goat, I thought I would share some of my Top 8 tips with all you entrepreneurs, budding or otherwise.

1. You are better than you think you are.

When numerous people compliment you on your work, it’s time to accept the compliment, take it onboard and stop being so being so hard on yourself.

• e.g. of never giving yourself a break :- you are fantastic at selling but constantly ignore it and choose to beat yourself up because you are not good in negotiations like your colleague.

Celebrate your strengths and tackle one challenge at a time.

2. Check your ego.

The ego can be a source of arrogance or pride, judging others to be lesser, making you boastful. Or it can also have the total opposite affect; making you extremely unsure and extremely hard or judgmental about yourself.

Some samples would be:

• “How can that person be an expert when he/she can’t even speak well” (language or the fluency of it, is not a prerequisite for being a subject matter expert especially when English is not their first language)
• “There is no way I can charge that. That would be not right.” Meanwhile everyone in the market, who you have judged as wrong/bad, is charging ‘that’ price. And their business is expanding whilst you are still a solo artist having problems coping with the workload and paying the bills.
• “It’s terrible how they are such publicity seekers. I would never do something so uncool” Publicity seeking is another word for branding, marketing and advertising. It is a necessity to get ahead. If your competitors are doing it and getting ahead, congratulate them and take notes.

All of the above can be ways you are unconsciously sabotaging yourself.  We often call the above samples, “following our values” or “making a values-based judgement” but it is important to note, some of these are merely camouflages or excuses for wounded pride, fear, doubt or even fear of success. Until you see them for what they are, they often stand between you and success.

3. Beware of Self limiting assumptions

Look within. How you see yourself may not represent the reality. Are you really not good enough or have you judged yourself to be not good enough using some unattainable benchmark?

• Words like:
  • there is no way I can do that,
  • I have no degree, so how can I…
  • I am not as intelligent/attractive/slim/rich as he/she is,  so how do I …

These words if said often enough, will become your reality. Change the words, believe it, allow it and your reality will slowly but surely start to shift.

4. Remember to celebrate your victories. (refer to point 1)

5. Be kind to yourself.

• Don’t’ assume you are invincible. Heed signs of impending exhaustion. If you need to rest, rest. No job is worth compromising your health. As my Coach says, “You can’t save anyone else if you are drowning.”

6. We all need help. Do not be afraid to ask for help.

• Find a support group. Create a Lean In group or join a CEO support group. Do what ever it takes. Being at the top can be lonely, but that does not mean you have to be alone.

7. Never go into a 50:50 partnership.

• There can be many leaders but only one captain of the ship. Go for 51:49 where one person clearly has the final say. 50:50 can result in a stalemate, which may impede progress or sink the ship if no one wants to compromise.

8. Passion without profits is a hobby.

If you love doing something but year after year, you don’t see it pay off, then it is time to change course.  Not doing so is called the sunk cost fallacy. Here is a snippet from Rolf Dobelli’s The Art of Thinking Clearly”

• the sunk cost fallacy is most dangerous, when we have invested a lot of time, money, energy, or love in something. This investment becomes the reason to carry on, even if we are dealing with a lost cause.

This is also true of relationships.

Letting go, moving on and failing does not mean you are a failure. Learn the lesson and move on.

So there you have it, my 8 Ong (fortuitous) tips for the Year of The Goat. I would love to hear of yours.

Gong Xi Fa Cai, Xin Nian Kuai Le.

– Lee Jia Ping-

Of Sheep, Goats, Llamas and Alpacas

Happy Chinese New Year!

By Animah Kosai

When I turned twelve, I discovered I was a sheep.

Image: Sean the Sheep

This was very disturbing to me. I wished I was a year older, then I would be a horse. The wild freedom and glamour of the horse appealed to me. What did a sheep do? Baa, follow the herd and give up its wool? I was a quiet child, didn’t conform and had no intention of living my life so others could take any part of me.

There was no way I was going to live my life the way the Chinese zodiac dictated.

I generally forget my sheep label until this time of every year, when I scan down the Chinese zodiac forecasts. Will the sheep find romance in the year of the Rat? Will the sheep gain wealth in the year of the Rabbit? Will the sheep finally find the courage to tell her boss to go shove it in the year of the Dragon?

A day later and I’ve forgotten the forecasts and life is again full of surprises. From a girl, I became a woman. A far stronger label than being a sheep. Throughout my years of school and university, girls and women were strong, capable and approached tasks with fiery determination.

Then women entered the real world.

Men dominated that world – as boyfriends, husbands, bosses, decision makers. I watched  the fiery women slip into the shadows as they “settled down”, had little lambs of their own and got caught up with the complexities of nurturing their children, pleasing their husbands, their families, their bosses, keeping up appearances with society, cooking healthy tasty food (a contradiction in terms) … how incredibly exhausting.On top of this women had to look good with immaculate hair, natural make up and clothes that other women would envy.

Which woman had time to climb the corporate ladder or become head of state if she had to deal with all that?!

Women were told how they had to behave. If not their husbands or male colleagues, then certainly by the media, religious leaders and the worst dictates of all – other women. And it all hits home. I am in a flock of sheep, and the moment I dare break out of the flock, the spotlight is on me. The only real safety is to rejoin the flock and be like everyone else. It is the easiest and most comfortable place to be.

Can you spot me hiding among the flock?

But if all of us women stay in our comfortable flock, women’s fate will never change. Since I started this journey of breaking out, I have found other brave women already on the journey. Dina Zaman who broke ranks because she dare write about Malay Muslims showing up the hypocrisy they live in. Marina Mahathir who championed the rights of those living with HIV with great compassion, Zainah Anwar who with Sisters In Islam, opened Muslim women’s eyes to the possibilities that life was more than conforming to male dictated laws.

On the international stage, world leaders like Angela Merkel command respect and Sheryl Sandberg made us see how our entrenched beliefs held us back with Lean In.  Laura Bates raised awareness of how much sexism still pervades our society with #EverydaySexism . That fiery clever female wizard, Emma Watson has burst into the scene with her #heforshe tagline reminding men that helping us is better for all.

Emma Watson at the World Economic Forum in Davos a month back launching Impact 10x10x10

In just the past 5 years, women are waking up from their sheeplike state. This time round the Chinese have rebranded the Year of the Sheep to the Year of the Goat. (See this entertaining BBC News snippet on the confusion http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-china-31511109 ). Less submissive, a little more aggressive perhaps. It is a relief to discover that I can be anything with hooves that eats grass. and bleats. Yes! I don’t have to be a sheep. I can be a llama! In fact I feel like an alpaca, sticking my neck a little higher than the rest so others can see me shine.

This is why we formed Surya Women. We believe women have so much they are holding within whether through fear, doubt and unawareness. The world needs you. So, yes, break out of the flock – in groups perhaps, hold your head up and shine. We wish you Happy New Year of the Alpaca!

Gong Xi Fa Cai to all our readers!

As we usher in the new Lunar year and the advent of spring, may this symbolize new amazing ideas and ventures springing out from your wonderful minds. What the mind can visualize, you know that you can realize.

Gong Xi Fa Cai from all of us at Surya Women!

Shine on!

The 4 As of Starting a New Job

By Vincent Kok

I was recently asked by a friend who’s starting a new job on how he should prepare for it. I shared a 4 point process, the 4 As of Starting a New Job.

Assess, Articulate, Activate, Adapt

Assess what’s happening among your team, your company, your product, your industry and your clients.

Articulate what your plan is with your superior or subordinates.

Activate your plan. Don’t be all mouth and no trousers or in Malaysian parlance, NATO (No Action, Talk Only)

Adapt because even the best laid plans go awry when conditions change.

Vincent Kok is a partner with Multiverse Partners Pte Ltd. He is the soon to be Chief Sales Officer at GoQuo Sdn Bhd. Otherwise he describes himself as Chief Eater well acquainted with the best eating places in the Klang Valley.

Feet on the Ground

“She put her feet on the ground and shivered from the cold. At the moment she was again reminded of her father. He would always plant his feet firmly on the ground when confronted with an unexpected difficulty or anything he was not prepared for. This gesture was among her earliest memories, and connected with her understanding of the potential for mysterious action that even people closest to her were capable of. Later, when she was six or seven, her father had explained to her that a person needed to have a secure foothold when facing unexpected troubles. If she remembered this rule she would also be able to remain in control.”

Description of Tea Bag, a Nigerian refugee in the Swedish novel The Shadow Girls by Henning Mankell.